What About My Own ACEs?

Perhaps you went through some hard times as a child you don’t much like to recall. Maybe discipline was excessive or harsh at home or at school. Maybe one of your parents drank too much, verbally abused you or struggled with opioids, meth or cocaine addiction. These types of Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, can cause toxic stress and put people at higher risk for heart disease, depression, and other chronic illnesses in later life. 

If you were fortunate, maybe something good and positive in your life helped buffer the impact of all that stress. Did you have a friend, family member, teacher or counselor who served as a trusted confidant and source of love and support? Do you have a strong network of friends or family now? Do you eat well, exercise and get a good night’s sleep? These kind of positive forces – called “protective factors” by researchers -- can help reduce the effect of ACEs.

With such protection, you may find that it’s easy to be a calm, empathetic and effective parent even if your own childhood was difficult and traumatic. But even with this help, you may find that your past has left you with an outsize response to stress – one that can sometimes undermine your relationships and your parenting. 

Parenting with ACEs 

Parents with ACEs may find it harder to stay calm in situations that don’t faze other parents. Why? Here’s what the science has to say about it:

Your body’s stress response is designed to help you survive. When you sense danger or any kind of threat, your body’s natural reaction is to increase blood pressure and heart rate so you have the energy to run or fight back. 

Another reaction is to freeze and shut down. In past millennia, this may have occurred when someone realized he could neither defeat a terrifying animal or opponent or even safely get away.

These reactions are your body’s way of trying to keep you safe. When used from time to time, these stress responses work well. 

When you experience constant stress during childhood, however, your body may learn to respond to small problems as if they were big ones. This could be why little things, even a toddler’s tantrum or a glass of spilled milk, can feel overwhelming.

This kind of response to stress can also explain why you may have high sensitivity to threats or challenges. You may sometimes feel anxious, threatened and hyper-vigilant even when in a safe and calm place. When you’re only a little stressed, you may feel alert, aware, and able to cope well. But when you become too stressed, you may feel panicked and anxious. You may also feel numb, exhausted, or emotionally drained. 

Parenting can easily trigger this stress response because it’s such a demanding job.

You may experience feelings of stress overload with your kids, such as:

• difficulty calming down

• poor judgment

• a quicker-than-normal temper and feelings of impatience

• difficulty thinking logically

• a limited ability to “read” others and judge the needs of your children

• difficulty modeling good skills and behavior for your children 

Parents who suffered severe emotional distress in childhood are also more likely to have children who miss developmental milestones or experience  behavioral or mental illnesses. 

This doesn’t mean that your children will necessarily suffer if you had a rough childhood. Support from compassionate adults like you can help stop the cycle.